Oddity of mTBI

The Oddity of Minor Traumatic Brain Injury

It’s 2019. I wrote this in November 2017, almost a year since my fall and injury in December 2016, and well into my recovery process. It was after the months of pushing myself really hard to get better and finding myself worse: in more pain, and more cognitively impaired. It was during the time of medication trials, not fun..

Having an injury that has not only physical but also cognitive impacts is really difficult.. it’s not apparent which is which, and self-doubt creeps in and ends up being the unwelcomed visitor in the room.

* * * * *

A scribble in my journal as I try to make sense of all the thoughts going through my head at once. Not one lands with anything meaningful; just thoughts randomly floating around.

Trying to put my daily life in perspective, everything feels so weird.

Even putting my hand over my face covering my eyes feels like I’m sticking my face through a fence through, you know, between two pieces of the fence and squeezing both temples.

It feels like it’s just so odd. Everything is so different. And odd.

I find it extremely difficult to navigate through this strangeness.

On one hand, things seem familiar, but on the other hand everything seems new and strange. Almost like a déjà vu experience.

There are so many thoughts swirling around all at the same time and I seem to need to grasp the thoughts that are specific to the circumstance at hand and then unwrap them, and try to make sense of them. If they don’t work, I let them float away and grab another, and so on…

* * * * *

Looking back at this time, so much seemed like déjà vu experiences, as if I’d already done what I was doing.. or about to do. I would catch myself up, questioning everything. It was very, very difficult.

Thank goodness for the medical team that had magically come together and helped to start to make sense of everything, I’ve learned so much, and I’m sure I have a lot more to learn..

My dear psychiatrist insisted I see a neurologist; and in June 2017, I was able to see one of the lead neurologists in the city who said he’d seen many cases like mine and that I was in the middle of the pack, not very minor but not very severe, and he was hopeful for a full recovery “but it will take time,” he said..

For the GF Strong Rehab Centre ABI managing physiatrist, referred by my very caring GP, who told me there were a constellation of problems with a head injury like mine, that can feel overwhelming; and when I asked him what I should focus on to help myself, he said, “do what feels meaningful to you.” And then, I cried all the way home because he was so kind, so understanding, validated me, but mostly because he’d said he would see me again in 3 to 4 months.. I was still hoping to get better in a matter of weeks!

For the internal medicine doctor at St Paul’s, who tried a few medications (very serious!) to rule out other things, and he then diagnosed chronic fatigue syndrome as part of the constellation of symptoms I was battling.. which sort of helped to put “depression” in its place.

And for all of this, the experiences, the insights I’ve gained, and the brilliant care I’ve received, I am eternally grateful.

❤️