A lament for my 60th birthday

As my sixtieth year on this Earth comes to pass, I’ve been reflecting on almost everything. 

I’ve been mourning lately.

It’s been difficult to put my finger on what I’ve been feeling. Surely, it’s been the isolation of staying home much more often now with Covid. Not going out to the shops, on my usual rounds; not seeing my doctors on my regular routines and instead spacing them out with tele-help calls in between. 

My interest in poking around in wool shops, second hand stores and produce vendors has virtually ceased. The happy, familiar faces and cheerful reparte no longer a part of my days. Instead, I spend time at home, alone.

I do realize going out, even for a walk around the block is helpful and healthy. The beaches and mountains are close and there are many places to visit, especially this time of year with such warm weather. My issue with these places or even walking in my neighbourhood is there are people everywhere. On my block at any given time, there are people walking. Everyone wears masks and walks around everyone else. The beaches are packed with folks, not just from the local neighbourhoods but tourists and campers and people driving in from edges of the region. To find spots of solitude takes cunning study and careful planning, and I’m not up to that right now.

So, I opt to stay very close to home. I walk a few blocks and then home again. I drive to where I need to go and no longer stop at shops along the way back. The stress of visiting the markets is too much after the stress of the reason to be out in the first place. My tolerance is low at the moment for high stress.

I find myself retreating to my safe space. Home.

While at home, I’ve been less and less interested in making. Making things, getting absorbed in my colourful textiles and crafting and designing. It’s a mystery to me why I’m less interested. I wonder if I’m depressed, but it doesn’t feel like depression. 

It feels like grief.

Sometimes I’m very sad, but not because I’m lonely or despondent. I’m sad for the state of the world. I’m mourning for what we’ve become. I feel deeply the collapse of our systems and the threat to humanity, though I can’t bear to watch any news at the moment. I’m disconnected from social media and the news and yet I know what’s happening. I’m acutely aware of what is going on, in my flesh and bones, I know what is happening in the world, and it’s painful to witness.

As respite, I look at art and study art history. I try not to read too much into it, for when the questions arise, I see evidence of white supremacy and the plundering of nations against nations throughout history. It gives me a sense of solace to know it’s how it always was, always has been this way, to know that calm pastoral life has always been interrupted by wars at the hands of those with ego-driven desires for territorial plundering.

Always has been.

And therefore, I turn to the future. My future and the future of my loved ones and our children.

If I’m to mourn, and look the future at this time in my life, then let me sink into it. Let me wonder about things that matter.. let me wonder how I can make a difference, even a small dint in the lives around me, better myself in some way.

I’m listening to Stephen Jenkinson’s “Come of Age: A Case for Elderhood in a Time of Trouble” on audiobook. 

From my listening to Jenkinson’s book, “Die Wise,” several years ago, my life was magically steered in the most amazing direction. This single action led me to become a reiki practitioner, certified as a death doula and as a practitioner in holding space. I use the crow tarot deck to validate myself and give context to events in my life, and have been designing wearables with textiles and have turned my attention to blankets, rugs and pillows too.

I’m sinking into all my mournful feelings now. There’s no point in resisting or trying to sort it all out. The only way through it, the only way through, is by allowing, allowing, allowing my feelings to be, just as they are. 

Go with the flow.

And wonder about things.. especially as I enter this third act of mine.

❤️